by freefall - Nov 14, 2014
We feel most alone in a crowded room. Trying to make small talk is a chore.
We normally have no wish to call attention to ourselves and even in a halfway decent world, others would probably not hear very much from us.
Early on, we fantasize what it would be like to be more outgoing and popular. Some of us even attain these desires, but it is not genuine and the wolf’s appetite can never be satisfied in this way.
We often lose ourselves in dreams rather than reality but our misery leads us back to face the truth. We suffer either way; we may as well know why.
At some point in life, we realize that we will never fit in. This causes many of our kind to cast themselves upon the rocks below. But for the rest, we now have the opportunity to begin to understand our true nature.
We bare our teeth to both compliment and criticism. But praise is the worst. It has been used as a snare upon our wolf-like sensitivities in the past for exploitation. We therefore have a problem trusting others.
Many of us have been greatly damaged in our youth. Our natural exuberance towards life was not well tolerated by those jealous of this gift. We learned early on to guard our emotions.
Our overriding character trait is our stubbornness. Therefore, our childhood indoctrinators (previously done in by their own) felt the need to intensify their means of coercion. But instead of breaking us, we became twisted inside. This was especially damaging when force-fed religious dogma. It created an additional barrier to surrendering our will to the Light.
Our hearts have been wounded more than most due to feeling things so deeply. We encase them for protection and this often becomes our greatest weakness.
Due to this emotional turmoil, we are susceptible to fits of rage. We have a problem controlling the level of intensity. We feel the guilt afterwards for our behavior.
One of the things that opens our hearts is interaction with those who strive to climb to the higher altitudes. We growl uneasily at the more sociable ones who get too close to us. Those of our kind take their rightful place alone upon the steppes in the distance.
Another experience that gives us pleasure is communing with nature. But never again does it affect us in the same way as when we were young. Much of the sense of wonder has been lost.
As we grow older and begin to more fully understand ourselves, we would not wish this condition upon anyone. Yet there is no one else we would rather be. This acceptance reveals to us that we have come to terms with who we are. We would not give up our suffering if it meant returning to the more confined spaces of the mind.
We are often misunderstood by those around us. Our insights can appear to them as arrogance. They have no inkling of the inner turmoil we have endured to reach this level on our journey or the innate reluctance we have to putting ourselves out there. We simply present what we have to offer. Our lack of social skills can also leave the wrong impression.
As for a mate, our best choice is to find someone living closer to the heart than we do. This type of relationship allows us the opportunity to breathe life back into our own hearts. The challenge is finding someone we can trust as well as being able to accept our need for solitude. Attempting to share our lives with one of our own most often leads to misery.
For us, aloneness never feels like isolation while companionship never feels like fulfillment. Only in our imagination do we believe otherwise.
We are strange creatures, even amongst ourselves.
We are haunted by this life.
Arise I say, O Steppenwolf
Arise just like the sun
If you wait ‘til you feel worthy
That day will never come.
Arise again, O Steppenwolf
It’s your own passion play
No sitting in the audience
You’re here to join the fray!
Thanks to: http://www.zengardner.com