Posted by EXOGEN on April 1, 2015 at 1:25am
Just as the dinar speculators predicted, Iraq has re-valued its currency 1000-fold, making dollar-millionaires of ordinary folk from Anbar to Arkansas!
The unprecedented 100,000% revaluation was welcomed by businesses all across the world, who saw nothing strange about paying $1,000 today for something that was priced at $1 yesterday. At the stroke of a pen, foreign companies now pay their cleaning staff in Iraq more than they pay board-level directors back at home.
Dozens of ‘investors’ in America partied the night away, as news of their windfall came through.
Billy Bob, from Alabama, exclaimed: “I knew it would happen, just like the Lord said it would!” When asked why he only invested $1,000 if he knew it would revalue, he declined to comment.
Peggy Sue, of Butte, Montana, said:
“Wooo hooo!!! I knew if I just said ‘Go RV!’ one more time on an internet forum that it would somehow make it all come true – you just have to believe hard enough!”
Asked what she would do with her gains, she replied:
“I’m re-investing. Cousin Cletus buys his bait from the same guy as a director of Goldman Sachs, and he said that one day these rocks he sold me will turn into gold. I know it’s a long-shot, but the upside is so large it’s worth gambling on, and I’m only going to give him what I can afford to lose, and take a long-term view, so that makes sense, right? Hey, I’m an investor, and investors take risks, and I’d just hate myself if I missed a golden opportunity like that. Go rocks!!”
An Iraqi government official told us off the record:
“It’s so obvious, with hindsight – we should have done it sooner. All we had to do to be richer was to say the currency is now worth 1,000 times more, and everyone would be willing to pay 1,000 times more for it. I mean, wouldn’t you?”
But one dinar seller, who asked not to be named, said:
“I’m devastated! If I really thought this was going to happen, do you think I’d have sold dinars at the old price? What sort of an idiot was I!”
Meanwhile, a special sitting of the United Nations General Assembly has been called to discuss this unprecedented shift in global power.
The Central Bank of Iraq (CBI) has announced that the introduction of the new Iraqi currency has been further delayed due to teething problems with the cutting-edge technology that it will employ.
Radical new functionality including fingerprint recognition and near-field communication (NFC) promises to create a world-leading new monetary system, which will be the envy of governments around the world.
Several years of collaboration between the CBI, the World Bank, and Goldman Sachs, has made it possible to create a database to track the location and ownership of each dinar note, making the monitoring of transactions much easier.
Professor John Frink, of Springfield Heights Institute of Technology, who worked on the program, explained:
“Each note already has its own serial number, so it is a simple matter to set up a database to record the location and movement of each note.
“Near-field communication, which is already used in contact-less credit and debit cards, allows the notes to communicate with your mobile phone [cellphone] and relay information to our computers.
“Touch-sensitive paper can even record the user’s fingerprint, for additional peace of mind.“
A spokesman for the CBI, Dr al-Jolson, added:
“This is a new paradigm in the management of money supply, and probably the biggest development since fractional reserve banking.
“Electronic money is easy to monitor – we get daily logs of every transaction – but up to now, cash transactions were the missing link.
“The new system will make it so much easier for people to pay their taxes, both in Iraq and abroad.“
To launch the new currency, the CBI is planning a major ceremony early next year, which will be held at the ruins of the ancient city of Babylon. All major world leaders are expected to attend.
Current dinars will cease to be valid three months after the launch of the new notes, but up to that time they can easily be exchanged in person at any bank within Iraq; identification will be required and fingerprints will be electronically recorded.