Posted on May 9, 2016
I’ve been working on a very specific issue called NPD or Narcissist Personality Disorder. I’m not the sufferer but I have suffered in this dis-ease and even displayed NPD traits at very specific times in my life, one of them being when I was taking antidepressants which disconnected me from my emotions. I’ve even descended into aspects of it as I’ve tried to heal from it, especially as it relates to my own “soul retrieval”. We all have tendencies to be self-absorbed, especially when we are compromised, but NPD is quite different. To put it simply, people who suffer from NPD can’t or won’t access the depths of their own psyches and are unable to connect with their own emotions. This can be difficult for people who love and care about them as they are the people who tend to suffer the most. For example, a person with NPD may be unable to manufacture their own self-worth so they go about stealing someone else’s via abuse (any form of abuse), alienation (including withholding love or intimacy) or negligence (including abandonment). They are very manipulative and the ironic thing is that they are very emotionally manipulative while not accessing emotion when they do it. They could never accept this as it’s part of the problem; they are unable to see themselves as being less than whole even though we all struggle with obtaining and maintaining our own wholeness. So, basically it’s a dis-ease of not allowing oneself to be human and humane to others. I think it’s a very relevant issue, not only in my own life but as something that is playing out on a very collective level on Mother Earth.
I can’t stand to know that a child is suffering somewhere, anywhere. I’m highly sensitive and intuitive but since my spiritual awakening in 2012 it has intensified to unprecedented levels. I can even feel when the earth is going to shake just as some of you know when the sun is flaring or it’s going to rain. My city is the 8th most polluted city in the U.S. and getting worse as we speak. I cringed when I watched the lack of accountability from our POTUS last week in Flint, MI. It lets me know that these children’s lives don’t matter if it gets in the way of saving money. I know that these people created the power behind the money they are trying to save and in knowing that, I know that change is possible. Change is also necessary and doesn’t happen with rhetoric, it requires action; action I don’t see from our elected and appointed officials or some “mentors” (if you will). I don’t know how to be the change when I’m in a tumultuous moment of retrieving pieces of my soul from people I care deeply about and don’t want to hurt, even as they hurt me with their carelessness. I’m human and humane. I want to live within a society that is self-actualized and it’s why I work hard at realizing my own self-actualization; mostly feeling like I’m moving backward and around because that’s how “time” truly works. But, these things are necessary because it’s the blueprint for human and humane evolution. I understand that any being, acting in any position, who actively works to prevent another person from reaching their own self-actualization and highest potential is a very real threat to the individual and the collective. They are everywhere. Most of them suffer from NPD. They are not interested in creating change or helping anyone else because they literally lack those facilities, it’s part of the dis-ease. So, they say the right thing because on some level they know the right thing to do. They even do the right thing from time to time too, especially if it puts them in a position of having power over others. However, in the bigger picture, if their power is threatened they can be very ruthless and will act accordingly. They will never give up their power freely. It helps for us to understand this as we can’t change anything unless we accept it (Jung).
What this truly means, individually and collectively, is that we are being forced into a position to have to take or take back that which should come naturally. We find ourselves in a vulnerable position of depending on the undependable. There’s never been a more important time to insist on healthy, productive and successful relationships or nothing; it’s an all or nothing kind of thing and a true “catch 22” situation. We need to be mentally alert for ourselves, our families and any opportunities to manifest change, even when it’s very difficult and may feel isolating and “wrong”. It’s not easy to go against the tide, any tide. The key is to recognize the patterns and one of them is a wave. We have to be conscious of the wave because, when we’re not, we tend to be pulled under and it takes a little longer to catch our breath. The dog and pony show can’t go on when we finally realize that we’re abusing the animals, metaphorically speaking. We can’t say we’re the only beings on the planet with consciousness (we’re not) and then not use it as it was intended by God (however you choose to define it). It helps to keep in mind that we are “animals” and by embracing our primal roots we gain the understanding that we have primal needs which include love, esteem and self-actualization on top of the most basic need for food and shelter. It’s difficult to look around and realize how easy it is to accomplish these things when we work together but for now, the few will influence the many and the few be many in the much bigger picture. That’s why we’ve been building our moral and spiritual house so we can whether these storms. Even if it means all we can do in the moment is try not to drown.
We’re better as a team. It’s taken me 21 months to realize that I suffer from NPD, even if it’s by proxy. It took me 9 months to be okay with asking for help because I live with an incredibly powerful healer who also happens to love me, the most amazing Gift. On the flip side, I wouldn’t be a “wounded healer” if I didn’t sustain my own wounds and have the humility to admit when I’m wounded. I found a huge symptom of feeling “depressed” and one I can change, even though it’s been incredibly painful with a side of complicated PTSD. We will grieve and maybe even grieve twice, once for the relationship and once when we realize there was no relationship [i] . And, it’s taken me some time to embrace that there’s also a spiritual reason for me to learn to tread water in these situations. I can do my part to prevent my own moral and spiritual bankruptcy by not giving away my energy to those who don’t have my best interests at heart. I know that we are ultimately granted what we seek if we’re patient, intent, grateful and loving enough to receive the echo back from where we’re standing. Then, and only then, will we be graced with acceptance and change. In the meantime, I can do my best to replenish myself and the Earth I love so much, my Home. And, I can try to be the change for her in the moments I can’t do it for myself. I can feel that too…change.
Music to drive it Home: Kelly Clarkson ~ Catch my Breath
For Ruth and Dominique ~ You are missed
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Thanks to Jennifer at: https://blueprintsforbutterflies.com