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1 STRENGTH & COURAGE - A PERSONAL EXPERIENCE on Tue Sep 11, 2012 9:48 pm


meditate This is a letter that I wrote to my mom several years ago - inspired by her visit to my office one day and the things she said to me - I hurt deeply and took her words as an attack on who I was until I thought about how I was perceiving the meaning -

IT MAY HELP YOU TO UNDERSTAND THAT MY MOM AND I DID NOT GET ALONG - She never hugged or kissed me as a child - she told me I would never amount to anything - I was always wanting her acceptance and approval and of course "love" - she would never allow herself to feel love for me - because it could have been used as a tool to manipulate her - As a child my only understanding was that I was "unlovable" & unworthy -

I share these very personal words with you in hopes that they may enlighten - encourage and inspire you on your journey to healing - UNEEK

Dearest Mom,
If the best of intentions would have gotten me anywhere, I would be in the Guinness Book of Records, I would be a successful country music singer, I would be rich and famous, I would have stuck with a diet and lost the weight, I would always be early or at least on time for all appointments, I would have been better at a lot of things, including maybe a daughter and I would have written this letter a long time ago.

You may have told me more than once and thought it many times to yourself; but I remember very well about a year ago, in my office you telling me that I was too sensitive.

You might think that since we do have our different opinions about a lot of things, that I would want to argue with you but I have a surprise for you. I will agree that I am very sensitive and it has made for a lot of extreme, unforgettable pain in my life.

As an adult now, I feel it is a choice how and where I wear my heart. I choose and do not apologize for being sensitive and I thank you for teaching me this as a child. I would like to tell a little story and explain. Thank you for your patience and kindness here as I continue.

I remember very well as a child many times that you would cry when my daddy talked to you. I remember some of the conversations but more I remember seeing and feeling your sadness.

Were you being "too" sensitive ? Were you being weak? No, I do not think so. I do not know why that it seems most of society equates being sensitive with being also weak. I guess I "could choose" to go along with them but I choose not.
You taught me something else too mom. You taught me "Strength".

I feel it takes "strength" to be certain and stand on your guard, and it takes lots of "courage" to have doubt and let down your guard. –-- To risk being wrong and attacked.

It takes a lot of "strength" to conquer and overcome but it takes "courage" to surrender. --- To risk being humiliated, and taken advantage of.

It takes a lot of "strength" to endure pain & abuses, and hide them. It takes even more "courage" to show the pain, deal with, and stop the abuse. ---- To be looked upon as weak and too sensitive.

It takes "strength" to stand alone, and real "courage" to lean on someone. ---To risk being insecure and dependent.

It takes "strength" to survive and it takes "courage" to live. --- To risk being labeled selfish.

It takes "strength" to love { for not all are so easily lovable } and it takes "courage" to be loved. --- To risk being rejected.

As a child, my understanding was that to be strong and tough you could not be weak and sensitive. I feel that in reality life has taught me that it really takes one to be the other.

It takes a lot of strength to "be" sensitive. I "feel" even though there are high consequences to being tough, feeling hard, feeling resentment and anger , they are "easier" for some.

The thought and reasoning may come from "if we are tough and hard — we won’t "feel" pain, so therefore we will not be weak and too sensitive.

I have seen you over the years struggle and fight to be strong — so not to feel the agony of pain and sadness. When the heart is seemingly in the right place and only wants to be free of the pain; life seems so unfair at times.

For now and for a very long time you still feel the pain. The sad part for me is not being able to take the pain away and thinking that you may feel you just were not "strong" enough. You weren’t tough enough.

"He who is wise will keep an open mind until he has fairly tested the various proofs that are available to him"

A Man sees in the world - what he carries in his heart -

To be persuasive, one must be believable;
To be believable, one must be credible;
To be credible, one must be truthful.


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