We cannot blame Gutenberg for the glut of books littering the vast continuum of contemporary New Age literature. His aspiration to create the printing press was born of his noble and lascivious desire for viewing the female form. His little heard of, though in its day, immensely popular first-and-only printing of “Kalender des Leichten und Nuden Tavern Fliegen von 1448” roughly translated “The Sleazy Bar Flies Nudie Calendar of 1448” literally flew out of his little Shtupf Strasse shop on wanton wings before the ink was dry.
We do however take issue with his lack of business savvy and subsequent poor choice in picking a backer for his budding and splendid though prurient initiative. Outraged, wealthy, and somewhat titillated Catholic burgher, Johann Fust, filed a breach-of-contract suit against the inventor of the errant press demanding his investment of 2000 gulden plus the agreed upon usury. Though Gutenberg realized a tidy profit from his first enterprising venture, his unexpected new-business insolvency forced him to relinquish his shop and felonious invention to the scornfully pious and quite powerful Messer Fust and his business holdings.
Fust’s first fuss (heheh) was to print what would become the seminal and most widely disseminated, translated, studied, debated, loved, and hated New Age book of all times – The Bible. As a proselytizing gesture or more likely a petty jab at his randy and former associate, Fust named his first mass-produced book after Gutenberg and thus came into being The Gutenberg Bible. This malignment of Gutenberg’s True Human Nature forever assured that he would never assume his rightful place in History or be held in the highest regard and admired and emulated by the likes of The Mitchell Brothers, Larry Flynt, or Jenna Jameson.
In the 4th century BCE grimoire ‘The Golden Tractate of Hermes Trismegistus’, the exact and authentic formula for the Universal Solvent is given. When We approached “The Thrice-Great” for his permission to reprint it in this venerable little book you now hold in your hands he notably quipped, “Go ahead! The lowlife cretins on that dismal little planeturd are dumber by far than when I lowered myself to habitate amongst them 2500 years ago! ‘Clueless’ doesn’t begin to explore the depth of their current collective stupidity! It’s as though all the village idiots that have ever existed have reincarnated en mass to the present time and have elected the biggest idiots amongst them to be their leaders! ‘Ignoramus’ could be considered a compliment to the brightest in their midst! They soil their own nest and use every manner of mindless distraction to live comfortably in their own excrement! Their food is denatured chemically-laden manufactured filth that they lovingly feed to their children and then wring their hands over why the poor innocents all have behavior disorders and hideous cancers! Their pets eat better than their poor! They are geniuses at dying and dolts at living! Print the goddam recipe! Put it on the front fucking page of your “venerable little book” for all I care! It won’t matter for not one of them has ears to hear or eyes to see! May they all know insufferable piles and irritable bowels!”
So with his kind permission here is, exactly as he would have and did produce The Noblest of Nectars, that which turned water into wine, rose quartz into rubies and roses – a mere parlor trick, and funded the American and French Revolutions with Mont Lozère lead turned to gold - the recipe for The Philosopher’s Stone:
‘Take one ounce and a half of the humidity; and of the Midday Redness, the soul of gold, take a fourth part which is half an ounce. Of the citrine Seyre take similarly half an ounce. Of the Auripigment take half (which are eight) thus making a total of three ounces; and you must know that the Vine of the Wise is drawn forth in three, and the Wine of it is perfected in Thirty.