I was raised a fighter, warrior, i was also raised to be quiet, suffer in silence and to never bother others because in the end it was my life and I was ultimately responsible for It and no one was ever coming to save me.
I was not a water born baby, but I was taught to swim by my god mother starting at 6 months old. I was put in every swim program throughout the years of my life, swimming most likely was a place I excelled. I spent ever moment of every summer in water until I was fished out by an adult or I was to exhausted. Every summer I spent swimming, fishing and rafting. I have the fondest summer memories on the King’s River which had level 5 rapids. My Uncles had a white water raft and we would spend whole days on it. I think the first summer I was allowed in the boat on that river was like age 5. I was a swimmer, I was never scared.
It is what it is and It will be what It will be, teachings left to me from my native teacher Bavado who passed in June 2016. What he taught me is that no matter what you do, things are going to be they way they are. The only control you have over It is showing up, being sober, confronting, pray a lot and if possible creating remedies and solutions in the present moment.
One of the first lesson’s I ever learned in swimming and rescue programs is that you can live a lot longer if you float in deep water till you can be saved, if you tread water you will become exhausted and die. This is a similar lesson from instructors and attendants on the air plane/s: when crashing please put your own mask on and then help others or not just brace for impact.
Why does our will over ride facts our minds know? Our will to have what we want or needed kicks in and fight, kick, tread and struggle to stay “AFLOAT”.!?!
I have been treading water since 2006, in attempt to stay economically afloat. It has only been in recent weeks that old lessons are converging on my exhausted mind, body, emotions and spirit. I am so exhausted that Thank Creator I literally cannot do anything but float now. My current conversations, thoughts and where I am at with people I know and love and it is scaring the crap out of them. I know this has more to do about them than me. It hits up against their fear, loss of control, pretty much every fear they have and then add in the ingredient of what will other people think.
The secret ingredient that makes everything fail is that “what will other people think” this causes us to be insane and do things that in our right minds we would never consider and under other conditions would never make sense to do anyway.
Since 2005 I have been insane and doing things that do not make sense like emotional feeling how unfair it while feeling like I am being forced to tread water to stay “AFLOAT”. One of my other favorite insight is: “the definition of insanity, you keep doing the same things over and over and expect a different result”. Once you become shamanically sober you can see that It was you all along who was forcing you to do anything, try watching that movie fight club https://www.complex.com/pop-culture/2014/10/fight-club-schizophrenia
The Hopi’s also have a brilliant spiritual understanding: When the war inside of you stops, the war outside of you will stop. This does not mean the world outside of you will change, but how you come to the outside world, hop you participate with the outside world, what state: mentally, emotionally, physically and energetically matters when interacting with the outside world.
Going back to my 30’s. Right before I found out that I had brain cancer at age 32, I had a dream. My father that raised me to be a good human had died a few years earlier. During this period between his physical death and his spirit departure from this realm he continued to worry about me, help me and guide me. I did not understand the dream I am going to share until some deep shamanic work I did with a group of people sometime around 2010 in LA. Today, I have finally, finally, finally put together the message the dream was trying to get through to me.
The dream was about water. Just like in my childhood my father and I were at this place we camped almost every weekend at, a place called Pyramid Lake here in Northern Nevada. The dream was so real, like being a kid again, one of the games he would play with us kids in the water was human launch, he would stand us on his shoulders under water and then use his legs with forces to launch us far out of the water, I would fly in the air and crashing back into the lake. In the dream he was rocket launching me, I was flying in the air high and cannon balling back into the water. There was no speaking in this dream, just playing in the water. The dream was a blessed vacation from the real world, taking me to a place of joy and exhilaration.
There was a moment where my father in the dream grabbed me with both of his hands he pushed me to the bottom of the lake, this was not part of our play time and in the past I have had battles with beings, forces who appear to be one thing and then another, fear, I was terrified, I was going to die, I was being drowned by my father. I fought back, he over powered me under water and I could feel the air leaving my lungs and I knew that I was drowning and going to die. I could not over power my father. In that moment of defeat I went limp and allowed him to hold me to the bottom and as the last air left my lungs everything became clear, so clear I could see the last bubbles going up, the water was very still and clear, I remembering thinking wow the lake is so clear and blue. My head held sideways onto the bottom of the lake I could see the sand and how neat, arranged the sand was in ripples.
The struggle and fight was over, I surrender to it and everything became so clear. I was in awe of the beauty I felt deeply with the water and just surrendered completely to death.
I woke up sitting in bed. I cried for hours about my father killing me missing most of the point of my fathers help with what was to come in my life. I know now he was trying to help me in my future in the face of the worst things to just surrender.
However I am sad to report that I did not get the message, and I had become an expert in everything staying “Afloat”. After years battling the waves of the stormy ocean of my life since 2006, I finally, finally, finally was forced to surrender, let go, stop treading and float. No matter I am okay, to be honest surviving for years by constant movement, trying to out think tomorrow, treading just really on every level did not fix anything and I can say absolutely sure has made everything worse.
Many of the people I know are scared for me, scares them of my uncertainty and quality of life, but at some point you have to just stop because treading to survive to stay “AFLOAT” is insanity and does not make sense if you play on living long.
Remember the Buddha choose poverty, homelessness and starvation along with other intense lessons to become fully enlightened, we should not fear what IT IS and should float effortlessly through it instead. Until spirit lands us on the distant shore and we become effortlessly lived.
I am becoming lived, and floating is one but many ways for me to effortlessly allow water and the spirits to guide me to exactly where I belong.