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 Being Me Is Perfect. For Me.

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PurpleSkyz
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PostSubject: Being Me Is Perfect. For Me.   Sun Aug 04, 2013 8:05 pm

Being Me Is Perfect. For Me.

Posted by heartlightdg in General August 4, 2013

For as long as I can remember, I have thought there was something “wrong” with me for being a quiet person who gets nervous in social situations.  I am nervous to talk to new people, reluctant to make phone calls, and freaked out to state what I need to say to authority figures.  I will go out of my way to avoid such situations unless I force myself to go through with them.
I’ve always been a watcher, an observer and a thinker with little to say.  Until I get to know someone, I’m pretty quiet.  Lots of thoughts go through my head but I don’t always feel the need to share them.  When I do, sometimes I prefer to write them down.  I have to be feeling really passionate or confident that I have something of “value” to add to a conversation before the thoughts in my head come out verbally.  In groups of more than three, it’s a guarantee that I let others talk before me.
I have never condoned a basic part of my personality, the part that is an introvert.  It always seemed to be a flaw in my character.  I have always wanted to be more outgoing and more comfortable with others.  I envied those who had such easy-going manners and social skills.  I envied those who were comfortable in their own skins.  They always seem to know what to say and are confident in who they are.  I often mumble, say the “wrong” things or end up tongue-tied.  Or I have nothing to say and look very stand-offish.  In high school, I was labelled stuck up and a bitch because I was quiet and not very outgoing.  (Go figure how I ended up loving being a cheerleader for five years!)  I definitely allowed others to color my beliefs about myself and I allowed their judgments to become mine.  I saw myself as lacking [name a quality] and persuaded myself that I was ”wrong” simply for being me.
I have made myself “wrong” for being who I am because I am not like others that I admire.
This past week, I was hugely triggered by our upcoming Retreat’s talent show.  Oh hell no! was my first reaction.  I can’t do that!  I had a meltdown just thinking about it.  I don’t have any talents to showcase anyhow, I thought.  Nope.  I’ll just watch!  Then my inner voice spoke up and told me I really need some help with this belief.  It’s an ongoing, deeply entrenched pattern that is holding me back.
So Friday I had a session with Veronica and Eloheim because I want to move past this.  During the session, Eloheim called me out on my self judgment, big time.  They made it clear that I am not wrong because I feel the way I do.  It’s just my truth.  Period.  Short, factual statement.  My truth is not wrong, I am not wrong for being in my truth, whatever that is.  And my truth is, I do get nervous around groups.  My truth is I am much more comfortable writing than speaking.  My truth is that I am quiet.  And it’s okay.  It’s my truth!
There’s nothing wrong with me like I always believed.  I’m okay as I am.  It’s not necessary to change that component.  What’s necessary is to let go of the belief I am messed up because I prefer to stay quiet and groups make me nervous.  I totally felt accepted and loved by Eloheim.  I felt comforted.  I felt the energy as they pushed for me to understand this.  And push they did.  I realised I am loved for who I am.  I’m okay the way I am.  I am not broken.  And of course, I cried (I seem to do a lot of that these days).  How freeing is that knowledge?!  You have no idea how much space was freed up inside me when I let that go.
Why didn’t I see this before with all I have learned in the last ten plus years?   Why did I need permission to accept that part of me?  I don’t know.  But hey, at least I get it now.
I can’t tell you how different I felt when I woke up the next day.   I walked around feeling so entirely ME that I was totally comfortable in my own quiet skin.  It gave me such confidence.
For example, I went shopping yesterday to find some gifts for people.  I was gone a lot longer than I had intended so the husband was less than thrilled.  When I got home, we could have had a tiff about it, but I didn’t feel the need to be defensive like usual.  (Because I felt confident in my actions.)  I didn’t apologise for or explain why I was gone for so long, it was a fact,  a done deal, and it was my truth though I did tell him about my day.  His reaction to me?  Far different in return than normal.  Very interesting.  Very, very interesting.  I accepted me, and he did, too.  We created dinner together and the evening was fine.
Popeye was called to mind after my session, “I yam what I yam!”  Period.  Short, factual statement.
Pass the spinach, please.   :D
 
Raising my glass to synchronicity…today my friend posted this article Myths About Introverts  to my timeline on Facebook.  I love it!

Thanks to: http://lifeheartandsoulblog.wordpress.com


  

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